The Not-So-Mid-Life Crisis

As I draw closer to my 29^th birthday (gasp!), I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on what I've done so far with my life, where and what I thought I would be. I've also been thinking about where I want to go from here.

Let me describe here. I am married. We have a dog. We have a house. We make good money. We travel. We have minimal debt. We are blessed. Pretty much, the American dream.

Except for the 2.5 children. And the 3 car garage. But the garage isn't the main point of this manifesto.

This August, we will have been married for 6 years. Most of the time, it feels like just a few months ago that we were these bright eyed youngsters, embarking on this great adventure called marriage. In my mind I am still that 23 year old who just graduated from college and couldn't wait to set up our first apartment together.

I love my husband. I love that he still makes me laugh. I love that he still catches me off guard with his witty asides. I love that he chooses to love me every day.

I love our life. And for the most part, I wouldn't change one thing about it.

But to the outside world, what we have isn't enough.

Because we don’t have children.

We have reached the age and apparently the tipping point in the length of our marriage where we should have procreated by now. I guess we missed the memo.

The question used to be “Are you guys going to have kids?” Our answer: “Yeah, probably, someday.”

The question is now “When are you guys going to have kids?” as if it is a foregone conclusion that we will be having children. Our answer: “Yeah, probably, someday.”

Or, my absolute personal favorite, “Are you guys trying?” As a new friend pointed out, this question is basically asking if we have sex on a regular basis. On the inside I respond, “Thanks for asking about my sex life, but I don’t really care to share the deets.” On the outside, I politely change the subject as it really is no one’s business but mine and my husbands.

These questions are coming up more frequently as more and more of our friends are having children. In fact, this year in our small group that we lead, we were the only couple without children. Talk about ironic. But this lends itself to the next progression of questions, “Do you feel pressured to have children?”

If I’m honest with myself, yes, I do. Or did, I should say. Several months ago, I felt like I was less than other woman because I didn't have children. I felt like my marriage was less than someone else’s because we didn't have children. It seemed like every conversation I was a part of turned to parenting woes, tips and tricks, commiserating about being in the trenches of sleep deprivation. When you have nothing to offer, no similar experience to share, you begin to feel like an outsider. An anomaly. And then the tiniest whisper begins in your heart, that you could belong too, if only you had children. And so begins the great lie that you are less because you don’t have children and you don’t belong because you don’t have children and children will be the answer.

But I am enough. My marriage is enough. I am a beautiful creation of the Heavenly Father and He has a plan for me, for my husband, for our marriage. It may or may not include children, but I know without a doubt in my mind that the plans He has are not some standard template that apply to the 25-35 year old married demographic. It is not wash, rinse, and repeat.

The people asking these questions are those whom I will chose to believe have good intentions and mean no offense; they are just trying to get to know us. But the thing about these questions is that they aren't really innocuous.

If we were struggling with infertility, these questions would be daggers to the heart, a continual reminder of what we don’t have and what others do and what the world expects of us because on the outside we appear to have healthy reproductive parts. It would be another lie that Satan plants in my heart of how I have failed, of how I am lesser.

If we were struggling with miscarriages, these questions would be wounds to a bruised and broken soul, grieving for what should have been.

I guess my point in writing this is to exorcise my own demons, to get rid of the frustration I feel when asked these questions. I do want children and I do think they are a part of the plan God has for me, whether they come from my womb or another. But I also think that it is something between me, my husband and God to figure out and that it will happen in His time, not someone else’s time.

So back to the beginning. Where do I go from here? I want to live a life unencumbered by the judgments of others. I want to live the life God has called me to, not the life other people think I should be living. I want to live a life that has meaning beyond achieving the American dream, including the 2.5 children. Too long I have lived in fear. No more. Today I live the life I was called to.